We placed the NG tube today. It took only minutes for the nurse to feed a tiny noodle-like tube up her nose and down to her tummy. It was tough to watch. Even worse, I am waiting right now for the nurse to come back in and watch me do it myself! They need to make sure that I can replace the tube at home if it were to come out. Yikes...don't mean to be a wimp, but nursing is not my thing.
So, I have had a mixed bag of emotions all day. Sadness, disappointment, relief...
This is one thing I really did not want to do. I have been so grateful that "at least she can eat on her own!" Now, I feel in some way like we have let go of that too. The good news is, we are still feeding Reese solids by mouth. We only use the tube for fluid so that she can finally reach her goal and stay fully hydrated.
I have never seen her smile as much as she has today. I hope it is because she feels so wonderful now that she is reaching her fluid goal!
I read this paragraph tonight in the latest Brennan Manning book and felt like this is where I am:
"When the night is bad and my nerves are shattered and the waves break over the sides, Infinity speaks. God Almighty shares through His Son the depth of His feelings for me, His love flashes into my soul, and I am overtaken by mystery. These are moments of kairos--the decisive inbreak of God's fury into my personal life's story."
I am moved by the way God intervened physically, spiritually and emotionally. He brought the dehydration to our attention through a routine blood test--we would not have known otherwise, as Reese was not presenting typical symptoms of dehydration. He changed my heart and Mario's heart as we moved toward a "yes" regarding the tube. He has given us both a perfect peace as we moved forward with a dreaded decision. I am overtaken by mystery as I contemplate God's love for us and His intimacy with those who love Him. I am amazed at the depth of His love and care.
I don't know if I am ready to face the stares, questions and comments from the world out there. I can't stand it when people stare at Reese. I know I will get used to it at some point and stop caring, but for now, it makes me want to scream. I guess it is my next challenge...