Reese's Birthday Meditation

Every year, as Reese’s birthday approaches, I take time to write down some thoughts about her and about the last year. Her birthdays seem sacred to me. Like a gift that came that I maybe wasn’t expecting. It feels like an exhale. We made it. We made it to 11.

It’s a celebration every year, but it also feels like a deep reflection. I think it flows from gratefulness. A thank you, God, for letting me be her mom for one more year. And it also comes with a weightiness, like I owe it to Reese to learn every lesson and to always be listening and learning. Because I’ve been given so many gifts and so I better be worthy of them. I know, it’s a little psycho.

There was one lesson that came in the heat of June and has been reverberating ever since. I kind of knew it was Reese’s 11th birthday lesson to me. It’s finally time for me to put it to paper. Even though I may not do it justice, I need to write it down, and hopefully it is a blessing to someone else.

We have a lemon tree in our yard. Every year, it produces lemons, but this year it went crazy. Like it hit its maturity and the lemons sprouted all over and grew beautiful and plentiful. We ate or gifted every lemon from that tree this summer. Every single one, and there were hundreds. I put organic lemon juice in my water every morning, in my green drink, in tea. I put beautiful shiny lemons in bowls on the counter and in bags to give to friends. The lemons brought me a little joy every single day. That tree.:)

One day in June, realizing I had picked all of the exterior beautiful fruit, I spotted the lemon I wanted. It was tucked back closer to the trunk. I carefully navigated my hand through thorns and leaves and grabbed that bulbous beauty. It came off the vine like butter, and I held it in admiration. It was twice the size of the others with thick beautiful skin. And I said to that lemon, “Wow. You’ve been protected under those leaves, defended by those thorns all summer. And look at you. You have grown huge and so beautiful.”
And I promise, I heard God say to me, And that is what I require of you, Kerry.


It was one of those really powerful moments. Like where I know I will remember this for a long time. And I want to flesh it out and know what he meant and lean into it and really get it.

Here’s what He’s been teaching me since that day:

What I want for you, my darling, is to sit with me and keep company with me. I want you to let me shield you. I want to cover you and care for you. I want you to learn from me. I want you to hide your life in mine, and I want you to know that all of the consequences are on Me. Your life is mine, so everything that happens to you is my responsibility. This is where your growth happens. This is where you beauty resides. Keep company with me. That’s what I require of you.

It feels like a lot of love and freedom. It’s very easy for me to fall into the the thinking, “If I don’t do this, then…”. It can be simple, like, “If I don’t teach my kids to do their chores with a happy heart, then they will be selfish jerks and no one will want to live with them.” And it can go to “If I don’t protect my girls and know everything about their lives, then they will get their hearts broken.” And I often go to “If I don’t research and read and figure out everything related to Reese, then she will die.” I go there a lot. This is a hard way to live. This is a hard place to be everyday. And what I’m learning is, it doesn’t have to be this way. I don’t have to live like this. Thinking like this and living like this are choices that I am making. Like it’s all up to me and if I fail, then Reese will die. I don’t have to allow that thinking to run rampant, and I don’t want to. God is not requiring me to take on the full weight of life and all of the consequences of it. He is requiring me to keep company with him and learn from him. And to allow him the honor of being in charge of the consequences. He says to me, hand it over. Let it be my responsibility. It’s too heavy for you, and I told you that I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and learn from me and I’ll teach you to live freely and lightly.

I don’t know about you, but to me “freely and lightly” are some of the most beautiful words. That kind of life is possible. And I want it. This is my rhythm. Resting close to the vine, under the leaves, protected and cared for.


“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and I’ll teach you to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28