Break the Silence

 

The plain white envelope arrived addressed to Reese D’Ortenzio.  It was handwritten, so I knew this one was not from the insurance company.  Inside I found the invitation.  Lilly had invited Reese to her 4^th Birthday Party, a princess party for 4 year olds.  No older sisters invited.  Some moms might smile, add it to the calendar and email the RSVP.  Not me.  I burst into tears, the streaming kind, holding the invitation and just letting the tears flow.  It was Reese’s first invitation to a party.  No one had ever invited just Reese.  After all, she doesn’t speak, she doesn’t walk, and a lot days she has seizures.  She is in a wheelchair and most people just don’t think to invite her to parties.  But this little girl did.  I was touched and couldn’t wait to take Reese to her first party.  I dressed her up as a princess and said goodbye to the sisters who weren’t invited to Reese’s friend’s party.

We arrived to see other 4 year olds running toward the front door, princess dresses floating behind them.  Uh oh.  I felt my throat tighten and I wanted to cry.  That is what 4 year olds do.  They run and they play duck-duck-goose.  But Reese was in her wheelchair.  I bit my lip through the next hour and a half.  When we headed toward the door to go, the mom gave me a warm embrace and genuinely said, “I am SO glad you came.”  That was it.  I burst into tears right there in front of all the moms.  I tried to explain myself through the ugly cry.  I finally backed out the door and wiped off my face.  Whew…that was tough.

Fast-forward one year.  This time, Mom hand delivered the invitation to us at church.  “I sure hope Reese can come!” 

“We wouldn’t miss it!”  I replied.  And we wouldn’t.  This was a big deal for both of us.  This time, as we arrived, I gave myself a pep talk.  You are not going to cry.  This is a happy day.  It is OK that Reese is not like these other 5 year olds.  You are OK with this and you love her just the way she is!  And I certainly do.  In my eyes she’s perfect.

So I strapped her in her wheelchair, grabbed the gift and rolled her right into the back yard.  We were greeted by our sweet friends…and then it happened.  A couple five year olds, who apparently have never seen a child in a wheelchair, spotted her and stared with concern.  One of the 5 year old guests asked, “What happened to her?”  Uh oh.  Here it comes again.  I thought I had this under control but my throat is tightening.  I wanted to answer her, but I knew whatever I said would be surrounded by tears.  Then we would all be uncomfortable, so I pretended I did not hear her.  Not to be ignored, she said it again... louder.  Silence.  No one said a word, including me.  I turned away from her and ignored the question.  I just didn’t want to start the party with the ugly cry, OK?

 It’s a fair question from a 5 year old.  I just wasn’t ready.  Nothing happened to Reese.  I’m ready for the “What’s wrong with her?” question, but this one was a variation I had not practiced.  And my already tender spirit just couldn’t take it.  Not at the birthday party.

The silence hung around the twice-repeated question like a heavy fog.  Hanging silence, which I was unable to break without awkward, inappropriate tears.  Mom, please say something.  Just break the silence.

I think I figured it out…some moms just don’t know what to say.  Maybe they are horrified or stumped, but I’m here to say…it's best to say something.  I don’t blame kids for saying stupid things.  They don’t know better.  But moms and dads do.  So say something in the moment, but even more importantly, say something before the moment.  As you go through life, talk to them about people who look different.  Talk about how it probably feels to those with disabilities when people stare.  How might you feel?  Talk about what may have happened to people you have seen and why we don’t ask them that question face to face. Build compassion.  They may not know better yet, but we do.  A little compassion goes a long way.  And compassionate children are such beautiful people.

I know why Lilly invites Reese to her parties.  Because her mom prays for Reese a lot.  She has prayed with Lilly and has talked about Reese's condition.  Lilly is only 5 but she is full of compassion and considers Reese a friend.  Lilly's mom is awesome.